I was so angry. I was screaming inside my head today, but at the outside I was just lowering my gaze and smirk, while tapping the table with my restless finger. This is not the first time I have been misunderstood, and I am convinced that it will not be the last. The world just full of people like this, or at least in the world where I am living. Explaining to them are only a waste of time. They just need a slap at the back of their head, or perhaps a punch on their nose would snap them back to reality.
Still feeling fidgety. I stared at the drip of the rain melting on the window of my office with a blank mind. I don’t know what to think. Resentment filled every space of the room. I feel suffocated by the indignation. Take a mug from the drawer and headed to the pantry. Keep Calm and Drink Coffee as suggested sarcastically by the mug. Haha. I stirred the black powder in my cup and took a sip. The aroma jiggled on my tongue, crossed my nose, and filled my brain. The luxury that can only be relish by a coffee lover. Headed back to my room and slammed myself on the chair. Glazed my sight to the rain outside the windows, enjoyed the dancing water under the sunlight. Took another sip of the coffee hoping it can calm the storm in my soul.
I remember when I was 7 years old. My mom keeps reminding me on how stubborn and hot-headed I was during those years, and always like to cause troubles. That's, according to her, the reason why we were not having eat-out at any restaurant anymore. This is one of the most recited stories, about the time when mom decided not to bring us, actually me, to dine-out anymore. It was repeatedly told so many time but never once from my side of the story.
It was raining, same like today. Big heavy rain lurked from the windows. Even though it’s still early, I was already under my blanket. I don't even take a bath yet. Exhausted and sore feet. Bedul the goat was not giving me an easy time forcing him back to the pen, as usual, but i need to bring him back before the rain. Dark cloud are all over us. Wind was impatiently blowing everything, pushing us to move faster. In the race with the rain, I was stumbled upon the rambutan's root. Bedul bleatingly laughing at me. Really hate him that day. Dragged Bedul mercilessly and kicked his butt to make him run up faster to the pen. Rubbed my bruised leg and head home. My mom was in the bathroom. Repeatedly shouting to me to get Bedul to his pen. Its already done. *sigh*
My siblings were sited in front of the TV watching the legendary Tom and Jerry. Laughing happily. None of them noticed me, or perhaps I am invisible to them. I went to my parent bedroom, tried to find something for my leg but cannot find anything. As I went out, my mom was at the door.
"Cari apa kat sini?"
(“What are you looking in here?”)
I just show the bruised on my leg.
"Itu memang ubat budak degil. Bedul dah masuk kandang?"
(“That the remedy for naughty kid. Bedul has been in the pen?”)
Nodded my head slowly without even dare to look at my mom eyes, then continue leaving my mom whom still babbling about something that I don't know.. and I don't care. Walked past my siblings, ignoring their happy laughing to the misfortune of Tom which never got to get Jerry. Throw my aching body on my shabby bed. Rain was pouring heavily outside my windows sending chilling feeling. Slowly I tucked myself under the blanket, close my eyes, enjoying the rhythm of the rain over the zinc roof. Calmly finding my serenity.
Bam!! I was immediately jump out of the blanket and off the bed when I felt something sharp hitting my leg. In a glance I saw my mom holding the rattan, without even thinking, I eluded the second strike, run directly to the bathroom and locked the door. Still heard my mom loud voice shouted from outside the bathroom. pheww.. Doesn’t matter what she said.. I've survived. Yay! Turn on the water tab, and massaging my leg. The strip of the rattan was just nicely crossed the earlier bruised. Ouch.. I put my head under running cold water to ignore the sound of my sibling mocking and laughing at what just happened to me. They will got some from me later, I told myself.
My dad was already home when I came out from the bathroom with a towel around my skinny body. I ran excitingly towards him. He hugged and kissed me. All my other sibling sited back in front of the TV while eating something. Coyote was burned by his own cunning plan. Beep beep. I look at my dad, he smiled, slipped his hand into his pocket and gave me a candy. I already forget about Bedul and my aching leg.
Later that night, when the rain was stopped. My dad took us to the nearby Thai-food restaurant for dinner. It was his pay day. My mom did all the order. Tom Yam, some fried vegetable, omelet and a juicy delicious fried siakap dipped in sweet and sour sauce. Everyone was enjoying the dinner happily, especially me. It was an exhausting day for me, and the rain really made me hungry. Its not everyday that we can have such a feast. Dine out like this is a very special occasion for my family.
Until there was the last bit of the omelet left on the plate. I love omelet, very much, especially when it’s still hot and crispy at the side of it. So when I saw there’s the last piece, I immediately took it as fast as I can. I was 7 years old, nice food was very important to me. But my sister want it too and she started to persuade my mom to take it from me. Such a scoundrel. I was irritated by my sister attitude as if mom love her the most, which in fact agreed by all of us siblings. As soon as my mom started to moved her hand toward my plate to take the omelet, I immediately took it, put it all in my mouth and chewed it. My mom looked unbelievably at me with his big eyes and scary monster face. I am now standing, still looking at her and at my sister alternately, while chewing up the omelet, anticipating what will happened next.
Suddenly, my sister kicked my leg. Right at my bruised. The pain was excruciating. I lost myself at the spot. What I remembered then, I was pulling my sister hair as she pulled mine. The rice was all over us. My small brother was crying so loud. My other siblings was screaming. I can also heard my mom shouting and pulling my hand. My dad pulled me off, separate me from my sister. He put me on one corner and asked me to sit still without saying anything. He then paid the bills and took all of us home. I didn't even get the chance to drink my air sirap bandung.
I laughed whenever I remember the incident. Its funny story, but I could not imagine the feeling of my mom and dad during that day. It didn't went well for me though. The story travelled through all the village. Everybody then knew the infamous me, the psycho girl. Since that day, I had been the best example of a naughty child for every parent in my village.
Open my laptop and play the instrumental playlist which used to accompanied me to focus on my work. Sape tune by Tuyang Tan Gan was on the first queue. The music chased away the stress vibe out. The rain has stopped. I opened the window, inviting the fresh after-rain air rushed into my room. I am not angry anymore, at least much less. My grandpa said anger is part of nafs. Its part of the human nature. We cannot kick it away no matter how we try. It will always be inside us, all the time.
Grandpa said that every generation has their own reason to be angry. If you saw a cranky toddler, looked at the people around them. Toddlers are just mimicking their parent or someone in their family. They just see it as the method that can be normally used to get what they want. They are picking it up by observing and listening their surroundings. Therefore, it’s very important to create a conducive environment to protect the innocence of the toddler so that they will only learn good things. At this phase, toddler need a parent.
When they grow to be a teenager, they started to find their own identity. They will be experimenting their life. How they look. How to think. Selecting role model. Finding their passion. Finding friends that they can share their passion. Trying very hard to be accepted by the world. And off-course they will make mistakes. That’s not a big deal for them. What makes them angry is when they feel someone want to dictate and control them. The more they been held and denied the chances, the more they will become rebellious. They don’t need parent, they need friends.
After completing the crisis phase of being a teenager, young adult will now be beginning to taste adulthood. Adolescence is a very confusing phase if they were not prepared for it. All the freedom they are imagining all this while is not as easy nor as free as they thought. Being independence means they must handle everything by themselves. The thinking, the action, the consequences. While they still having the fiery teenager spirit, now they must start behaving like adult. Stake of life raised. Economy. Relationship. Starting a family. Self-development. Future path. All need a firm decision. More mistakes happened but now the impact is heavier. Aggressiveness will double up. The eager to win it all is higher. The frustration rises. Mentor is the best help they should get.
Just when they thought they already master the adulthood, more challenge will come. The burden of responsibility becoming heavier. Now they will have children of their own. The parent become old and need attention. Works environment will be more demanding. If they cannot balance all the factor in live, they will be exhausted and lost. Stress will becoming a normal situation. Its crucial for them to be just themselves.
Grandpa continue saying that when they keep all this anger along the way until later stage, they will end up as a grumpy old man who has so many regrets about their past life. Only God can help them.
“Is this the life you want to live? Is it worth it?”
That is the question I have been asking myself again and again.
It is not easy but it’s not impossible. I am possible.
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